Two-ronto

I have a feeling it’s going to be a very tough winter in the center of the universe. With the Maple Leafs mediocre on-ice performance it is getting harder for websites, newspapers and electronic media to get the Toronto Maple Leafs onto the front page and top of the sportscasts.

Oh sure, they’re trying (“second team in Toronto?” and “Wilson’s goalie switch crazy!”) but let’s face it by Christmas the editors and show hosts are going to be running things like “Great Leafs of the Past who are still Alive!” and “Teeder Kennedy’s grandson says Leafs need quicker boots!”

Since we have some clever people who visit this site and offer ideas, I thought we could do a public service for all Canadians and come up with subject matter for the Toronto collective. Since it’s apparently vital the whole damn country reads this stuff we might as well have some input into what crap we’re going to read this winter on tsn and sportsnet and the national fishwrap.

First, I think they should go into the archives and find cool photos. Like the one in this post. You could print this photo in a newspaper and ask “what happened to the pinky finger on Red Kelly’s right hand?” or “How many know what that Silver thing is?”

A few other suggestions:

  • Make a big deal about the Leafs planning to push the NHL in an effort to get the two guys from the 1967 Cup team who aren’t in the Hall of Fame yet inducted as soon as possible. Call it a national nightmare and perhaps show a homeless member of the team (I nominate Autry Erickson although I think he had a good life after hockey).
  • A 12-part series that exposes exactly how boring Ken Dryden is in all manner of life, featuring people he works with every day who have contemplated offing themselves during his monologues.
  • The Leafs could hold “hockey school” drills between periods, where kids in the crowd get to come onto the ice and have the visiting team coach show them the fundamentals of the game. The Leafs could also have some of their players out there learning right alongside the children of Toronto.
  • The Leafs could also hold a “piss off Ron Wilson with dumb, stupid questions he has to answer” night that features the coach answering questions and getting more and more irritated at the end of each period. Perhaps he could come out at the end of the game and strangle something.

Please add your ideas as soon as possible. If they tun out of material, they may bring Bob Cole back for the early HNIC game. Talk about your national nightmare.

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18 Responses to "Two-ronto"

  1. raventalon40 says:

    This sounds fun.

    Don Cherry Pursues GM Job

    There are whispers among the NHL Board of Governors that Don Cherry will be invited to be the next GM of the Toronto Maple Leafs. When interviewed by The Score, Don subsequently denied it, but added, the first thing he would do is bring Bobby Orr out of retirement.

    Also in the news:

    Sean Avery calls it quits

    Apparently, the outspoken agitator of the Dallas Stars has decided to throw in the towel for an NHL career and has decided to apply for the job of Toronto Maple Leaf’s GM. The former left wing Avery has also decided to run as an independent in the US Federal Election, in an attempt to join together the two “Centers of the Universe” under his collective power to do his bidding. In a candid interview, Avery was quoted as saying, “I can do a better job than any of these ****tards.”

    Though things are looking bleak for Avery’s presidential potential, things are looking up in Toronto as the first competent candidate for the team’s GM since Cliff Fletcher (currently serving interim position) has shown up at the gates, demanding the job.

    The Toronto Board of Governors could not be reached for comment, as they were in a private meeting with Gary Bettman, who called the emergency meeting upon hearing the news.”

  2. Lord Bob says:

    Really, “[name] interested in managing Leafs” is a pretty good all-purpose story for any time of year.

    “When approached about the rumours, Steve MacIntyre refused to comment.”

  3. raventalon40 says:

    “When approached about the rumours, Steve MacIntyre refused to comment.”

    Hahahaha

    Here’s another one:

    Vesa Toskala is fed up

    In a shocking post-game interview yesterday night on Hockey Night in Canada, Vesa Toskala, the team’s number one goalie, said the team not only disrespected his role on the team but also stated that he would eat Ron Wilson’s children if he did not quit the following day. Prodded for an explanation by the ever-inqusitive Ron McLean, Toskala unleashed his plan upon the hockey nation and Leaf-land.

    Toskala, aged 31, has aspirations not only for the GM position, currently held by Cliff Fletcher, but also of Ron Wilson’s job, as coach. Furthermore, he asked the nation why Roberto Luongo was considered captain-material on his team and he was not considered in the running for the Maple Leafs. When asked for comment, Fletcher simply said, “well I think Vesa…” unfortunately, he took so long to pronounce these 4 words that the CBC ran out of time and cut to commercials.

    When asked what his first move would be as GM, Toskala said he would make himself captain. Ron McLean then asked him what his second move as GM would be. Toskala responded, “sign Pogge to a 15 year contract and offer Mats Sundin a slightly better offer than the Vancouver Canucks.” His offer, as suggested on HNIC, came to the tune of $10 000 000.25 per year over two years. As you may well know, that is 0.50 more than Vancouver was offering.

    “A generous offer. In Finland, 0.50 buy lots of potatoes.” Also, he referenced Russell Peters, mentioning that if you save 50 cents here and there, you could soon hit up the dollar store.

    Mats Sundin was also unavailable for comment.

  4. DaHoosman says:

    My favorite thing about these Leaves is Gord Kirk. See, in my estimation, Kirk knew about the impending economic downturn facing North America well before everyone else did.

    How else do you explain turning a temporary head hunting job into a full time permanent position?

    Gord Kirk, future seer.

  5. Ribs says:

    Toronto Maple Leafs join KHL in 09′-10′
    Ownership blames new CBA.

  6. raventalon40 says:

    Toronto Maple Leafs join KHL in 09′-10′
    Ownership blames new CBA.

    Well done. Now that would be dandy.

  7. matt says:

    Buffalo Bills to relocate to Toronto…

    +

    Hamilton cannot have a NHL team, but Toronto might have two…

    =

    Buffalo Sabres to relocate to Toronto to be second NHL team in Toronto.

  8. raventalon40 says:

    Forsberg Spotted in Toronto Practice

    Peter Forsberg may not be done yet. Peter Forsberg was spotted at a Toronto Maple Leafs practice yesterday. This was sparked speculation across the Toronto Maple Leafs and hockey blogosphere, as well as the popular rumour websites Spector’s Hockey and Hockeybuzz.

    When interviewed, Forsberg had this to say, “I don’t know, they told me that it was a Colorado Avalanche get-together and that there would be free steak. I was a bit suspicious when they offered me this free practice Maple Leafs Jersey and flew me out to the Air Canada Center for free. When I skated on a line with (fellow invitee) Anson Carter and Jiri Tlusty I became a bit more suspicious. But I’m not considering a comeback to the Avalanche. Why do you ask anyway?” When asked whether he would consider joining the Maple Leafs as a free agent, Forsberg answered “I’m not sure if I’m going to retire or keep playing. If I do, I’m not sure if it will be with Colorado or Philadelphia. Toronto has not entered my range of possibilities, but for some reason I keep getting free stuff from them. I just try not to ask questions and go out there and work hard. Hopefully I’ll be ready to play in time to make the headlines near the trade deadline, just like every other year.”

    When asked if fellow Swede Mats Sundin would be considering a comeback to the NHL, Forsberg said, “Didn’t you know, he’s playing in the KHL under a code name.” When pressed for the code name, he would not reply, and left for the Maple Leafs dressing room.

    In other news…

    Stam Nidnus is ripping it up on a line with Alexander Radulov and Alexander Perezhogin. The 37-year old rookie recently won a NHL Look-a-like player contest. He won a free Chevy Silverado for the Mats Sundin look-a-like contest but refused the prize adamantly, speeding away in his Viking speedboat. Stam could not be reached for further comment. His next game is against Avangard Omsk.

  9. Colby Cosh says:

    Buffalo Sabres to relocate to Toronto to be second NHL team in Toronto.

    Technically, the correct sum in your equation would be “Buffalo Bills to relocate to Toronto to be one of two NHL teams there [and probably the better of the two if we can teach Marshawn Lynch to skate].”

  10. Black Dog says:

    As someone who lives in Toronto (not, not a Torontonian!) here’s a headline that combines both sports and “news”. Considering we had snow on Tuesday I expect this year may be a repeat of last.

    Leafs Shovel SNOW IN TORONTO!

  11. Oilman says:

    Gord Ash interviews for Leafs GM position, Wonders what Tim Johnson is up to These Days.

    “Tim tells me he was a helluva hockey coach in Vietnam” says Ash.

  12. Oilman says:

    Gord Ash interviews for Leafs GM position, Wonders what Tim Johnson is up to These Days.

    “Tim tells me he was a helluva hockey coach in Vietnam” says Ash.

  13. MF37 says:

    Here are nine stories, changes or ideas I’d like to see the media pursue as the Leaf season slowly circles the drain:

    9. A comparative analysis of how the Canadian teams have managed their cap along with interviews with team “capologists” and efforts to demistify the CBA

    8. Glowing tributes to Don Cherry as he retires and takes a vow of silence

    7. Since it’s allegedly all about the draft now for the Leafs: a detailed scouting report for 2009, a look at the WJC and some insight into how different teams approach the draft

    6. The media to announce they’re adopting a new homeland security style colour metric to communicate angst level of Leafs nation (currently Orange). Could be replicated for Ron Wilson’s media caused stress levels.

    5. A day in the life of a Leaf scout (you can write your own punchlines)

    4. Long form profiles of current players, scouts and coaches

    3. A complete and total moratorium on any reference to what Leaf fans are thinking.

    2. More first-person reporting like that great Brian Burke trade day diary that ran in USA Today.

    1. News that MLSE has been charged with arranging extraordinary rendention for media who crack “plan the parade” jokes. Damien Cox still missing in Syria.

  14. mike w says:

    Surely, yet another piece on Sundin’s possible return to the Leafs could fill up the column inches nicely…

  15. Schitzo says:

    So who had “scratch Jason Blake for the hell of it”?

  16. doritogrande says:

    Tie Domi awarded honourary degree from UofT Astrophysics; Pursues career as Leaves GM saying “Hey, it’s not Rocket-science!”

  17. MJT says:

    Speculation of Crosby to the Leafs Heats Up

    Specualtion that Sidney Crosby was ready to demand a trade to only the Toronto Maple Leafs heated up wednesday, following the fourth consecutive day in which an article was written on the subject in a major Toronto newspaper. Strangely the news has not seemed to permeate beyone the center of the universe, probably because of gravity, or the traditional understanding among Torontonians that “there isn’t really anyone or anything that wants to leave this utopia we have created.” For the last three days coach Ron Wilson has needed to hold press conferences to deal with the media innondating him with questions about the potential blockbuster trade, some coming from as far away as Missisauga to get the latest news. When asked how he felt about Toronto Crosby responded positively, noting the city’s passion for hockey, and then excused himself for an hour and a half. Upon his return the Toronto media got him to say that certainly playing in Toronto is “always pleasant” although most were unsure as to whether he enjoyed the city and atmosphere, or simply enjoyed being able to take a night off and still pull out an easy victory. When asked how well Crosby would be received upon his imminent arrival in Toronto, Ron Wilson replied “it would be great to have him certainly, but let’s be honest, that still leaves us with 18 other holes to fill on this roster before we’re ready to contend for 8th in the conference.

  18. raventalon40 says:

    Tie Domi awarded honourary degree from UofT Astrophysics; Pursues career as Leaves GM saying “Hey, it’s not Rocket-science!”

    That’s hilarious

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