Merry Christmas

There are so many stories about Christmas that I could tell you the mind blurs.

Most of them involve putting together some toy an architect couldn’t suss out. The box it came in was little help as it offered help in both German AND Japanese.

One year we were late for church. Now, in my family the General is my wife, barking orders ala Patton and you better get the lead out buster because she does ALL the stuff that matters at Christmas.

I was pulling up the rear and taking on some pretty blistering verbal as I put on a suit and tie. The kids (amazingly) were dressed, ready and heading for the car by the time I emerged from our bedroom looking for my shoes.

I should have known trouble was ahead.

As I stepped into the garage I saw my angel daughter (probably 6 at the time) sitting in the truck on my son’s usual side. He’s older so has the edge in these things, but for some reason this night he opened the door and that little angel face said “back off! other side” and slammed the door with my son’s hand in it.

So, off to the hospital, me in shock because my little girl did something out of the ordinary (and not in a good way), my son in pain because the sister he would soon demolish in one way or another had inflicted pain, my daughter wondering when we got to eat and my wife in the front seat saying she should have married someone named Barron Oldenberg.

So we waited in the hospital for hours (the boy was a regular in those years, that’s what happens when you ride cardboard down stairs) and everyone was in a bad mood. Meanwhile back at the ranch the beer was aging and I had 10 hours of toys to put together.

We got home 10-ish, kids gobbled food and I found the booze. Wife puts together the best evening possible (love that girl, fell ass over tea kettle into a good woman–THAT’S a key element in life) and they’re in bed by 11:30PM.

I have two things to put together, a dozen beer and Jimmy Stewart wandering around Pottersville. My wife says “I think the kitchen set is harder, you should do it first” which sealed the deal that I’d put the train set together first. Men: advice. Stubborn is a bad thing and she’s right a lot so go with the damn percentages whenever possible.

It’s 3AM. I’m alone with a Japanese instruction manual, a 4,000 piece kitchen set (with fake fruit, no less) Jimmy Stewart is long gone (replaced by Ron Popiel–man that guy has staying power, like Dick Clark) and a wife who patiently makes suggestions while the numbskull husband (who has had too much beer) tries to save Christmas for his daughter.

And that’s when she decides she’s better off here than in the arms of Barron Oldenberg.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

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38 Responses to "Merry Christmas"

  1. Schitzo says:

    that girl, fell ass over tea kettle into a good woman

    I suspect this applies to a lot of guys. It certainly applies to me.

    Great post, LT – enjoy your holidays.

  2. Muller says:

    Merry X mas LT,Keep up the good work. Lets hope the oil can make a good run after X mas.

  3. Loxy says:

    Happy Holidays LT.

  4. doritogrande says:

    I may have read part of that wrong, because I was laughing my ass off that you had a dozen beer to assemble.

    Nice post LT, very blackdog-esque.

  5. Black Dog says:

    Beauty LT.

    Just starting out down that trail that you were on with the little ones. They’re going mental upstairs as I speak.

    Merry Christmas.

  6. canablach says:

    Wish you the very best of the season,
    Merry Christmas and Happy New Year
    (which will feature the endless wait for the Oilers’ constant winning, maybe kind of waiting for the miracle; but let’s put them aside for now …)

  7. Kyle says:

    LT you are a beauty, have a great christmas.

  8. Lord Bob says:

    Being a shameless self-promotor, I feel obliged to point out that today is also my twenty-second birthday. :P

    Anyway, merry Christmas, all!

  9. kanadienkyle says:

    Merry Christmas everyone!

  10. Coach pb9617 says:

    (love that girl, fell ass over tea kettle into a good woman–THAT’S a key element in life)

    Yeah, that’s pretty much every year’s Christmas miracle for me.

  11. HBomb says:

    My Christmas wish for all Oiler fans: Penner, Grebeshkov, Nilsson and Staios for Kovalchuk and Havelid, followed by Moreau for John Madden.

    Happy holidays everyone!

  12. J. Moore says:

    more stories LT, you’re like the grandpa i never had. happy holidays.

  13. Ribs says:

    Merry X-Mas and Happy Holidays guys and girls.
    Happy Birthday L.Bob.

    Riding cardboard down the stairs was usually a holiday standard when I was a kid. I don’t think I ever got hurt but I’m sure my little brother must have hit his head 200 times or more.

    Off to wrap the presents now, talk about last minute.

  14. oilerdago says:

    Great story LT. Merry Christmas to all.

  15. DeBakey says:

    you’re like the grandpa i never had

    Well that’ll put a spring in his step

    “Hey you! You kids! Stay offa the damn Lawn. I don’t care if its Christmas!”

  16. doritogrande says:

    “My Christmas wish for all Oiler fans: Penner, Grebeshkov, Nilsson and Staios for Kovalchuk and Havelid, followed by Moreau for John Madden.”

    I like it, but my christmas wish is a bit more simple.

    LT, all I want for christmas is a healthy (and offensively capable) Jean-Francois Jacques. Everyone wants a Glencross type, well, I give you crazytrain.

  17. Swabbubba says:

    I hear you on the toy construction mate. See we never built prior we had to build after the child unwrapped them. Xmas morning every dad is a engineer/mechanic.

    My kids are past the age of constructing stuff now it is games and electronics… much easier on the dad. They don’t even ask for help getting past the hard levels in games anymore sigh…

    Best of the season to all

  18. Schitzo says:

    You know what puts a damper on having all the family over for the holidays? Finding out your home has potentially been uninsured since the day you bought it. Sigh.

  19. Matt N says:

    Last year was my first christmas with my wife. We celebrated by giving her cat an enema because it had “mega” colon and was pooping out logs the size of golf balls and screaming the whole time. This year we have a baby for his first christmas. He is not much for toys and gifts right now, but he is hell on wrapping paper.

    Thanks for this blog LT. I wish you, your family and all of your readers a merry christmas.

  20. Bruce says:

    Great story, LT, I laughed out loud at least five times.

    Lowetide’s Lounge is as good a place as any to pass on my compliments of the (world junior?) season to all who inhabit the Oilogosphere. Have a holly jolly, everyone!

  21. gary b says:

    merry xmas all!

  22. Fake Craig McTavish says:

    All the best LT. And God bless everyone.

  23. knighttown says:

    Just put my 2 1/2 year old to bed (10:20pm here in Halifax) after a dinner of chips and candy canes. Not my greatest parenting moment but fuck it, who cares. Baby number two is on the way and the parents and out-laws are all in town so this is a big one.

    I suppose Lowetide’s blog is as good a spot as any to ask but we are debating over the name Sadie for a little girl. I think it’s old school that’s ready to come back (like Emma) but the family thinks it’s old school that should stay old (like Edna). Advice?

  24. Doogie2K says:

    I had a friend in high school named Sadie. She’s only 26, so I’d say it’s fine.

  25. Fake Craig McTavish says:

    If Sadie feels right…do it.

    Times shift and so do trends. Just make sure she’s the most treasured Sadie ever.

  26. Dennis says:

    Over at the sister’s place celebrating the holidays; her boy’s only eight and we thought it would be nice if our mother could be around him when he’s opening his presents.

    Went to church at 7pm and began drinking shortly after arriving home. I guess I sorta forgot what a lightweight the brother-in-law is because he eventually had to go to bed and that meant I had to help my sister lug up all the gear from the basement and in some cases even assemble it. Not good times for her because I’m a left-brained guy and my Mom blamed my fumbling on “drinking until I was no good for nothing.”

    Anyway, it all got done and I’m still smiling remembering the look on Mom’s face when the young fella joined in on the singing of the carols.

    Merry Christmas to all and remember to be good to your family and to those in need.

    And to you, LT, remember to go see your Mom; same goes to everyone with elderly parents.

  27. DeBakey says:

    I just got back from seeing my 93-year-old grandma
    Christmas Eve at granny’s
    Gotta have it

  28. Doogie2K says:

    Our tradition is watching Alastair Sim’s Scrooge (1951, BW) before unwrapping the Christmas Eve gift. Has been since Mom and Dad were first dating, which means we’re on I think 24 years now.

  29. Sean says:

    Nice story LT. Merry Christmas to everyone. Thanks for the solid reads each game!

  30. Keith says:

    spOILer here…

    Drove 6 hours to spend one day and two nights with my parents and the rest of the famdamily.

    Haven't missed one yet in 42 years and Mama wouldn't be too happy if I started now.

    Today there will be 6 kids, 4 in-laws, and 14 little ones here to destroy their peace on earth. Mum will love every minute of it. Dad… not so much. It's been a tough last 21 days for me, so I'm just happy to be here with the people I love and are loved by.

    And I wish for all of you out there the same: a day of love and joy.

    Merry Christmas to you & yours, LT and to all of you out there who inhabit this lovely corner of the universe.

  31. Doogie2K says:

    So among the stuff I got this year (ROCK BAND 2!!!), someone apparently decided I’m a closet Jets fan, and got me both ’90s-vintage jerseys and three T-shirts with the ’70s/’80s logo.

    Now, I’m not complaining — I love the look, and I admit to a bit of a soft spot for the Jets, WHA/small-market solidarity and all — but I do fear that DoritoGrande is going to break into my house and steal my stuff now. ;)

  32. Doogie2K says:

    Also, after much deliberation, Mom and I are going to go to Dad’s cousin’s house for Christmas dinner this evening. It’s another annual tradition, but with certain other family there, we were wary. Then again, Dad was always a big proponent of family, even if some of them drove him nuts, and we’ll be damned if we’re going to throw that out the window now. Not on Christmas.

  33. doritogrande says:

    doogie:

    It’s all good man. I got over the Jets a loooooong time ago. Still love watching Selanne, Tkachuk, Kilger, Numinnen, Khabibulin and Doan play well though.

    I’ve converted to the lacklustre of the Oilers fully and completely, and my family apparently knows this well. 3X5 foot Oiler flag and the Oilers 10 greatest games were among the gifts this morning. What’s more is there’s the cash I need to go get #13 put on the back of a new white jersey on boxing day. Good times.

  34. Doogie2K says:

    @Dorito: Yeah, I figured, I was just buggin’ ya. I do find it funny, though, that I now own as many Jets jerseys as I do Oilers jerseys (two).

    I got that Oilers DVD set as well, and the Habs one, too. The hockey geek in me is over the moon. I’m jealous of your flag, though. Where you gonna hang it?

  35. PDO says:

    Well..

    My family is at the stage where all the kids are all grown up (last one just turned 18 a few days ago), but are still too young to have their own. Of course, that’s not counting my little cousin, all of 6, but it’s just her all on her own in that bracket…

    So basically, right now I’m killing off a hangover from late-night poker and a lot of Crown Royal (I won $70!!!) with some pilsner and getting ready to do it all over again tonight.

    Merry Christmas!!!!!!

  36. CM says:

    LT your living proof that its not the story it how you tell it…

    Great read and a Merry Christmas to all

  37. Temujin says:

    I got a ton of Canucks swag this year, but no cash.

    Putting #13 on a white jersey is probably in the works for me in the new year as well :-)

    Merry Christmas all.

  38. Coach pb9617 says:

    Back from the extended family dinner, complete with rednecks and dregs. I go because the kid likes to see cousins and my mom would be heart-broken if I weren’t there, but goddamn is that a mess. They make me so glad that my immediate family is so great.

    Happy Festivus all.

    No bagel no bagel no bagel.

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