SWITZERLAND!

An article in the Edmonton Sun suggests Taylor Hall would spend the early portion of a lockout making sure he’s completely recovered from off season surgery.

Robert Tychkowski’s article goes on to quote Hall on possible playing locations during a shutdown, with Switzerland a likely choice. Switzerland is the place Edmonton found Michel Riesen, so we’re not certain if they know hockey or not. However, the country has much to recommend it, including a flag that resembles the Red Cross flag, chocolate and banks that have lots and lots of money from the war.

Switzerland is a “land locked” country, which means there’s no water. Anywhere. The Alps are a big deal, and the country says they are neutral but my Dad never believed it and Trudeau was neutral too and look where that got us.

Anyway, Switzerland. It’s a pretty old country–being that it’s in the old country–but the most famous person from there is Roger Federer, who is not a team player.

At all.

Best of luck, Taylor!

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23 Responses to "SWITZERLAND!"

  1. SpotTheLoon says:

    And the banks seemed to have a lot of gold deposited during the war. For some reason, most of it came in the shape of fillings . . .

  2. striatic says:

    No Water?

    What about Lake Geneva!?

  3. WheresYourTowel says:

    Don’t forget that Struds played there and Krueger coached there. Plus it’s like seeing the Rockies in 3000 years.

  4. DSF says:

    Clocks.

    You forgot the clocks.

    Jeebus.

    (And, of course the filthy, rotten Belgians are best know for chocolate.)

    Of course, there is a Swiss delicacy that is often over looked:

    Superintendant Praline: Now, this item, “Crunchy Frog”. Am I to understand there’s a real frog in here?

    Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: Yes, a little one.

    Superintendant Praline: What sort of frog?

    Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: A dead frog.

    Superintendant Praline: Is it cooked?

    Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: No.

    Superintendant Praline: What, a raw frog?!

    Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq, cleansed in finest quality spring water, lightly killed, and then sealed in a succulent Swiss quintuple smooth treble cream milk chocolate envelope and lovingly frosted with glucose.

    Superintendant Praline: That’s as may be — it’s still a frog! Do you even take the bones out?

    Whizzo Chocolate Company owner: If we took the bones out, it wouldn’t be crunchy, would it?

  5. dcsj says:

    I knew an old Danish count who said that the reason the Swiss were able to remain neutral for all those years was that every man was required to know how to fight. Nobody wanted to mess with them. Sounds all right to me.

  6. justDOit says:

    dcsj,

    That’s right. Every man must serve time in the military, and afterwards they remain in a reserve, with their weapons at home in a locked cabinet. Everyone owns some serious firepower and are ready to go at a moments notice. Neutral but nasty.

    I’ve also read that every bridge or tunnel in and out of the country is wired to blow, in case they fear some kind of invasion. Haven’t checked the source on that though – seems like a dangerous thing to do.

    Stay off the skis, Taylor.

  7. russ99 says:

    Also there’s lots of water in Lake Zurich and a large Swiss part of Lake Constance, the largest lake in Europe (both of which I swam in 3 weeks ago)

    I love Swirzerland. I’d hope that if there is a lockout that Hall plays in Davos, which is a really fun town even when there’s no snow on the ski slopes. HC Davos is a great hockey team with a rabid fanbase even without a lockout.

  8. Lowetide says:

    There’s actually water IN THE PHOTO I used, people. I know what land locked means, and know there’s lakes and such in Switzerland.

    No oxygen, though. None at all.

  9. bookje says:

    Europe will never win anything with with Switzerland playing centre – Switzerland is way too small and gets pushed around in front of the net. Maybe Germany should move in from the Right Wing and Switzerland can be demoted to the minors. France has Left wing covered pretty well. I don’t think anyone has ever tried moving Germany into the Centre of Europe – correct me if I am wrong. Don’t even get me started on defence – seriously Italy and Spain – they might be a third line defence pairing, but to have them as your top two – yeash.

  10. justDOit says:

    bookje,

    it’s all good. they got Gibraltar in goal.

  11. delooper says:

    Dude, Einstein is the most famous Swiss.

  12. justDOit says:

    delooper,

    the most famous swiss ever born in Germany.

  13. Reg Dunlop says:

    DSF,

    I prefer ‘Spring Suprise’, when you pop it into your mouth steel bolts spring out and plunge straight through both cheeks. I may have underestimated you, good sir; anyone who quotes Monty Python can’t be all bad.

  14. spoiler says:

    bookje:
    Europe will never win anything with with Switzerland playing centre – Switzerland is way too small and gets pushed around in front of the net.Maybe Germany should move in from the Right Wing and Switzerland can be demoted to the minors.France has Left wing covered pretty well.I don’t think anyone has ever tried moving Germany into the Centre of Europe – correct me if I am wrong. Don’t even get me started on defence – seriously Italy and Spain – they might be a third line defence pairing, but to have them as your top two – yeash.

    Dude! You’d rather have Greece manning the back end?

    …so to speak.

  15. delooper says:

    Switzerland is just the part of Germany that never seems to get bombed.

  16. Szach says:

    Actually Switzerland now has a serious problem with Germany due to the number of Germans moving into the German speaking part (not to mention the Euro Merkel effect). Hope all of the NHL stars do not enjoy their time in Europe too much as they may want to stay in their respective countries with the easier schedule and non-hitting environment. I hope Hall plays for ZSC Lions so I could have a reason to see a few of their games. You will have to tell Hall to stay away from swimming/skiing/breathing at low and high altitude and the girls if you want him back. Lots of options for your free time during the day and night. Best little big city in the world. For that matter best little big country in the world. Switzerland will open his eyes – hopefully for the good.

  17. delooper says:

    I never really got comfortable in Switzerland (or France). Much preferred Germany and Italy. Both countries have a more pleasant middle-class feel to them. Or maybe it was just easier for me to adapt to them. Switzerland gave me this NIMBY feeling. Maybe it was that silly highway pass you have to purchase at the post offices.

  18. tsunami says:

    Just read that Omark signed a 1 year contract with Zug !

  19. DeadmanWaking says:

    Funny about the waterless moonbase in the land of chocolate. I signed up for an online course a few weeks back which requires a fair amount of reading and … writing these tiny little essays. If you began with eight haikus you’d already be fretting over your word limit and poised to interject a five word concluding remark.

    The course structure is supposed to facilitate peer grading. We are instructed to target our napkin tirades to “intelligent and attentive fellow readers”. Any guesses how well that works? So far the majority of my feedback is on the level of pointing out that “Switzerland actually has lakes”. THERE WAS A LAKE IN THE DAMN PICTURE!

    In my first essay a nice triple pun was chastised as a spelling error (this in an essay on an author who mainly indulges in hidden meanings). For the same essay I also received scattershot feedback that my vocabulary was “too academic”, that I had “no thesis”, and that “I suspect English is your second language”. No one wrote “I can tell you’re chafing at the word limit. Too bad, suck it up.”

    I blew up my second effort deliberately. The essay word limit amounted to one word per page of assigned reading. I don’t know about my fellow classmates, but one word of response per page read falls a mite short of my natural velocity of thought. I felt unduly constrained.

    On my most recent effort, one peer completely got it, but this penetrating reader also found time to remark on my writing style “You didn’t put spaces around your mdashes.” Uh, normally I let my typesetting software do that, or I even paste in real mdashes if I trust the web form enough not to vomit on my character set. OMG I was supposed to spit shine my ASCII mdashes? Correct me if I’m off base, but this strikes me as the kind of guy who asks his GF to procure a pair of fur-lined manacles then complains “Otter skin is just so wrong!”

    Another nice one: “You’ve interwoven too many quotes from the source material making your argument difficult to follow.” Bingo! Unsubstantiated prose is easier to read. Who knew? But don’t write “Bingo!” in your essay submission: “Some of your sentences lack verbs.”

    I would like to inform this last critic that there are four types of orgasm. Positive (Yes! Yes! Yes!), negative (No! No! No!), religious (Oh god! Oh god! Oh god!), and fake [insert first name of poser overhearing your joke from the next table, repeated with interjection marks]. None of these orgasm types have verbs (unless the subject of your cruelty is named “Bill” or “Bob”).

    I’ve concluded there are basically two levels of written prose. Academic prose is modelled on the subject-verb sentence nucleus (Bill fucks). Street prose is modelled on the verb-object sentence nucleus (Fuck Bill). Apparently, any effort to modulate between these forms due to oppressive space constraints is not native English.

    There ends my report from the bleak trenches of Education 2.0.

  20. Bar_Qu says:

    DeadmanWaking,

    I suspect page limits of less than 20 would be hard for you to constrain yourself to – good introductions requiring 10 pages and all.

    And I totally understand how your fellow higher educa-ees would completely miss your hidden meanings. I took some of us here a good year to figure out you were writing about hockey! ;-)

    All the best with attaining useful pieces of paper.(no actual sarcasm used in that previous statement)

  21. russ99 says:

    Deelooper:

    One odd side-effect to the Germans moving to Switzerland are the boat/trainloads of Swiss and former Germans going to border towns in Germany to shop on weekends, since prices are lower and the get the German VAT tax refunded.

    Odd choice for Omark. He could have increased his value playing in the better Swedish elite league than signing with Zug, but there is a major climate difference. After last year, it was obvious he’d be playing in Europe this year.

  22. spoiler says:

    I think just about everyone would rather be paid in CHF than EUR, despite foolish defenses of a peg. Switzerland will be the destination of choice for hockey players without patriotic constraints.

  23. edwards_daddy says:

    You do know the Hadron collider goes under Switzerland. Taylor Hall is going to disappear into a man made black hole. Just to add to his list of injuries.

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